I went home before the pandemic got out of control. Flew from WA to SC. My dad was dying and our relationship was the best any daughter could wish for. I knew I couldnt be there for the final end so I wanted 2 weeks. Just 2 weeks of saying goodbye. Though I never really did ” i just couldnt bring myself to just let go” just one week in they shut down the nursing homes. I wasn’t allowed in. Anger took me that day. I drop my dad off from getting a hotdog and didn’t even to get my final anything. Found out the next day they would make a exception. After the mext few days I was scared that airports would close so I had to fly home back home. I Left my 9 year old back home and wouldnt have amyone to watch him after that week I couldn’t risk it. Fast forward to the next week. I called and video chated my dad everyday. But that day my mom video me and i just could tell. Today was it. I thought me not being there was what I wanted. But I needed to be there and at this piint couldn’t. I told my dad threw a phone it was ok. I’d be ok. And he died 15 mins later.
Its been over a week. Being quarantined in a house with 2 kids and a husband who didnt deploy out I feel like I should be losing my mind. Yes I cry brutally randomly thru out the day lol. I get anger burst. But I’m also dancing. I’m loving my family more if that was evem possible. I’m taken walks breathing in this god forsaken pollen and just. Finding meaning to myself. Finding myself. I miss my daddy yes. I find comfort knowing where he is. I cry and get angry because I miss the talks and feel like this pandemicand scare robbed me.. but mostly I miss the random bathrooms calls of him telling me ” I just wanted to share. Im pooping” or the random videos of him dancing to silly songs and sending them to everyone hahaha.
I know I’m not the only one in this world hurting from something. So I just wanted to say. Take time for yourself. Its ok to cry be angry or frustrated. Breath
Take a walk or sing a song 🙂 find something to just put a smile on Your face. You deserve it.